Am I guilty?

How do you feel when someone you love woke u up in the middle of the night.. say 3 am... and started to to the naughty litle thingy to you like teasing you nose or..... teasing your lips... and lightly kissing your cheek.... would you be angry? or would you be pleased? dont get me wrong... your blue little peanut size brain.. tak de benda lain ke nak pikir... hehehe...

My little precious Izzad woke me up at around 1 am... and i thought he might be thirsty so i fed him some milk... he refused. His eyes were half opened, looked a bit sleepy... instead of putting him back into his baby court, i put him next to me...and shared the same pillow.... i noticed that he liked being cuddled.. perhaps, he was cold so i slow down the air cond a bit, but still he was next to me.

it has been a while.... quite some time actually that i sleep so close to him.. normally, he sleep in his baby court which i placed next to my bed... having him sleep next to me and sharing the same pillow..... i feel so close to him..... so close that i hardly describe.. i could feel his breathing... i could smell his breathe from milky-smell mouth... and his baby-smell body especially down below his neck... you do know that baby has their own smell right.. the masam-masam manis smell... i love that smell...

i look at him, at i hardly believe that time flies so fast and he is now a big baby... he's 9 mths old.. but within that period, i only gave him 2 mths of full-day attention... and the rest - he's been taken care of a complete indon stranger... which i had no choice but to trust her of taking care my little precious.

deep down my heart.. i feel guilty.. and ashamed of myself.. how could i do this to my son.. how could i let someone else taking care of him.. how could i trust the person to gently handle my son... to feed him... to change his diapers... to bath him... and how could i be assured that the strangers would do all the chores without hurting him.... he is so little...and he wouldnt understand why i would have to leave him early in the morning, and come back at night... he wouldnt understand why the bibik is taking care of him, but not me.. his own mother.. he wouldnt understand all these...

i could feel tears running down my check.. full of regrets and guilts.... the emotional burden is so heavy... that i could hardly fight...
i fell asleep.

and there i was... i was teaching a group of student at a little poor village... they had no book, no pen that they had to write on a small blackboard... they wrote using the white chalk.... the village was not a typical melay village but it looked like a really poor village.. those like the one we used to see on tv in Palestine..

and suddenly i felt a wet-thick thingy on my cheek... i opened my eyes and saw my little precious Izzad was playing with my nose with his salty saliva on my cheek.... how i love that moment.... i just let him did what he like... and he touched my nose... and he kissed my wet-cheek... and he played with my hair.. OMG how sweet those moment were... it was 3.00 am... how would i be angry to see such a beautiful creature do all those sweet thingy at 3.00 am???

i could see his smile... and when i tickled him, he gave me his cute half-scream laughter.. with his 1 little tooth.... i love those moments... i want to remember this moment forever.... and it lasted for 1/2 hour.. and then my little precious fell asleep, again next to me.

melayu kita

KITA ORANG MELAYU

kita orang melayu.. ada adab sopannya...
kita orang melayu.. ada budi bahasanya...
kita orang melayu... tahu batas susilanya...
kita orang melayu... tahu adat resamnya....

tapi ada orang melayu....
yang nampak melayu tapi tak ada ciri melayunya...
yang nampak ayu tapi layu semuanya...
ada orang melayu...
yang malu mengaku bangsa dirinya...
yang malu asal usul dirinya..
yang malu jati dirinya...

masih ada melayu...
yang menolak hakikat dirinya melayu..
katanya dia melayu moden...
katanya dia melayu bandar...
katanya dia bukan melayu lama...

juga ada melayu....
yang katanya dididik di luar negara...
apa yang sedihnya..
baru setahun dua di negara penjajah sana..
sudah lupa asal usulnya...
sudah lupa bangsa dirinya...
malah..
katanya sudah tidak pandai berbahasa melayu...
bilangnya sudah tidak betah dengan belacan, cencaluk mahu pun budu..
malah apa yang dipakainya hanya tinggal separuh atau tiga suku...

tapi harus diingat...
masih ada juga melayu..
walaupun berpuluh tahun di perantauan sana
tapi...
masih ada ciri melayunya..
masih kenal siapa dirinya..
masih fasih bahasa melayunya...
masih sopan adab pakainya...

persoalannya..
bagaimana harus kita ukur....
sejauh mana tingginya darjat melayu seseorang itu...
atau rendahnya darjat melayu seseorang itu...
sedangkan kita tiada kayu pengukur..

nilai melayu itu wujud
di atas titik persefahaman sesama kita
di atas tatacara orang tua kita
di atas pergaulan sesama kita
di atas sejarah lama bangsa kita

melayu itu tetap melayu
yang bezanya
cuma nilai seorang melayu.

WARNING : hakcipta dan karya sendiri... any copy and paste please give credit to my blog.
tak baik curi harta orang ok!

Dilemma

Situation: my hubby and i need to find another car or perhaps mpv

Criteria:

- comfortable enuff for my 3 kids

- large storage area.. kalau balik kg boleh bawak barang banyak..

- if u drive the car, you won't feel ugly or old.. u know sometimes a certain car makes u looks old..hehehe...

-mthly payment not more than 1k.. or else nanti kena makan nasi ngan ikan masin

- i dont care how the car makes me look like, i look good anyway... mauahaha *gelak brutal* ..lagi pun, i will be driving my old car.. so what the heck.. cuma mungkin sekali sekali nak jugak merasa drive kete baru... but on 2nd thought, if i like the new car... and the car makes me feel good.... and somehow makes me feel/look 5 yrs younger.... may be i'll be the one yg akan drive the car... heheh... and end up nanti my hubby yg akan drive kereta tuaku yg banyak berjasa itu..... muahahahahaha!!!


Choices:

- avanz* - ok but kalau nak fully utulize the other 2 seats behind, you dont have a storage area at all.

- inn*va - ok ... but somehow my hubby said that mpv makes him looks older than he is... heheh..

- vi0s - looks ok from outside tapi bila kat dlm rasa cam kecik sgt...

- c1ty - ok, to be considered

- perdan@ v6 - also ok.. to be considered....

- nazar*a - space ok tapi again my hubby kata he will look not so young driving that car...

- uns*r - a big no-no from my hubby.. dia kata kete ni org parti pembangkang jer suker.. heheheh....

- sentr* - also ok... and nice too.....

so looking down the list, mpv is out of the question.. now leaving only c1ty, perdan@ v6 and sentr* to be given due consideration.. but the question is now mana nak carik duit down payment?? *garu kepala sambil tarik bulu roma*......

any suggestion??

Completely lost

pernah tak terjadi pada korang..

let say you want to call this person... and you dial the number..... 1 ringing- no answer, 3 ringings- still no answer.... you wait... and 5th ringing still no answer.... and 11th ringing- that person pick up the call and say "hello?".. and at this exact moment... you are totally blur, and forgot who you're calling... and even worst, you say " yes???"

today, this happened twice to me.

Kids

Irfan and Hadzeem yg keletihan..on to the way to KB airport... tgk perut Hadzeem yg buncit coz makan banyak kat kenduri.. hehehe...we headed straight from the kenduri kat Bachok to the airport nak balik KL..penat giler....

Izzad yg maintain ok, tak penat.. but dlm flight tidur sampai reach KL...

Izzad

Pindah rumah

perkara baru yg berlaku.. things.. and thoughts as well:

1. Just moved to Sri Utama last weeks.... the pindah randah was sort of last minute thingy because I have to get my apartment empty because nanti pengantin baru nak tinggal situ... my newly wedded brother and his bride Kamila will be occupying that little house of mine.. kinda sad to leave the house since i've been staying there for the past 7 yrs... we love the apartment so much and decided to buy it from the owner after renting for about 4 yrs... My kids love the house, they grew up in the house... Irfan used to call it "rumah tinggi" and whenever he talked about the house, he will always mention 'rumah tinggi'.... well, it's not that tinggi.. it's a 5 storey apartment...luckily, we stayed in ground floor... and the location is in the middle of KL..and situated just next to mrr2..basically, kalau nak gi mana pun senang.. to klcc it is just about 15 min (off-peak hour), to Mines about 1/2 hour and to JJ maluri, its about 5-10 mins... 'rumah tinggi' has got a very nice view... 50 meters from my balcony is the pandan perdana lake...permandangannya sgt menyejukkan hati... esp early in the morning... and also waktu senja...

2. About Seri Utama....there's a new name for the house.. Irfan and hadzeem call it 'rumah baru' and apparently Hadzeem loves it so much, whereas Irfan cam so-so jer... i dunno whether he likes the house or not.. kalau tanya, dia cakap..'ok lah...' ......a day after me moved in, terus balik kampung to attend my bro's wedding.. so tak sempat kemas... and semua barang dlm kotak... and sampai hari ni barang sume masih dlm kotak.. we dont have time to kemaskan... even spender pun carik dlm kotak... hehehehe.... at first when i packed the baju and stuff into the boxes, i got all the boxes labelled such as 'baju, toys, books, dry food....etc..' and i thought i was smart... and i thought it's a brilliant ideas to label the boxes....of course it is, but when i have 7 boxes of 'baju'.. then i start to garu kepala... and even worst when my husband want a particular shirt, (a dark red shirt that he bought at the JJ)... how am i gonna search for the shirt?? 7 boxes labelled 'baju'... where to start??? and which box to open first? heheheh...

3. the house macam tongkang pecah.. most of the things are still in the box... and cuma buka mana nak guna jer.. and the curtains dah siap tempah a week ago tapi tak de masa nak hook, so i just took an old curtains and sangkutkan dekat grill.... .. hahahah.. when my mother came, dia kata from the outside nampak cam rumah kongsi bangla.... heheheh...

4. do you know.. that sometimes..... when you are in new places or... building.. you have this eerie and seram feelings.... like meremang bulu roma... and you feel like someone's watching you... when i first moved to the newhouse .... rasa semacam jer.. as if there's someone else in the house... and baby Izzad keep on clutching on me, tak nak duduk bawah... and he held me tight.. and masa tu dah tak sedap hati... mlm tu about 3 o'clock he started to to cry non-stop about 10 mins... lepas dia ok, i put him to sleep, and then placed him next to me.. dah tak letak dlm baby court lagi, sbb nampak dia cam takut jer... and the next morning when i woke up...and got down to the kitchen... and my maid asked me "ibu ada ketuk pintu bilik saya pukul 3 pagi tak?"... haaaa.... dah mula dah.. ada yg kacau.. she told me the room was knocked twice... 3 knock at a time... she didn't open the door and she waited... after about 10 mins.. she opened the door tapi tak de sapa.... she said that she knew that was 'someone else' coz if i were to knock the door, i would have call her name... and i never knock her door at such odd hour... and kebetulan dlm masa yg sama pun, around 3 am baby izzad menangis....

5. then we packed our things and headed to pt buntar.... and masa kat kg my hubby went to see this ustaz, and told him about our house.. so the ustaz asked the house address.... somehow through my hubby, the ustaz could actually 'see'...(dia pegang my husband and asked my hubby to imagine.. house from the porch.. hall, kitchen, all the rooms and bathrooms, ) and then later...amat menyeramkan bila ustaz kata rumah tu mmg ada penghuni...ada '2 orang' lagi... hahahha... gila takuttt... so dia kata penghuni tu ada sbb rumah tu rumah kosong.... so dia suruh buat pendinding.. dia bagi air, and suruh carik limau.. buat 'pagar' baca bismillah, selawat, kursi and fatihah for 7 nights berturut.. buat after Isyak...

6. bila we got back to KL.. my parents pun datang sama.. so kuat sikit semangat.... my father pun tolong buat baca Yasin 3 malam.. and he also tolong buat pendinding rumah... and masa before my father nak balik ke kg, he told me that the 1st night he came, when he baca the Yasin, dia rasa seram sejuk and he heard macam ada bunyi plastik kena atiup angin dlm bilik padahal tak de apa pun.... tapi pas tu dah ok... and now pun dah ok.. Alhamdulillah....

7. last weekend mmg ramai giler org kat rumah.. some sort of family gathering.... my parents, my bros and sis, newly wedded bro and his wife, my sis-in law with 4 kids (all the way from K'Kinabalu).. mmg meriah rumah.. makan makan tak ingat dunia... sampai tgh malam pun makan lagi... masa all the guest sampai, my house was such in total mess... and diorg sume lah yg tolong pasangkan curtains, and kemaskan kotak.. and my sis in law kena letak bedsheet dlm guest room sendiri.. and even kena pasang curtain guest room sendiri...my mum banyak tolong in the kitchen, kemaskan barang and tolong susun nicely dlm kitchen cabinet.... nasib baik sume paham coz we just move in... glad that they came and lend their hand, so my house tu dah ada le rupa rumah sikit...

8. i just had 1 air-cond installed in the my bedroom.... we plan to have at least 2 room installed with the air-cond, but seriously no fulus at the moment so we thought 1 is enough...ok la... tapi yg kelakarnya when my parents came to my house... my father (after the minor heart surgery) last 3 yrs, he couldnt stand the heat.. so kalau nak tidur mesti kena dlm aircond..... semua org nak air-cond...and kesimpulannya we beramai-ramai crammed in the room...hehe.. meriah sungguh the whole family tidur in the same room.... best giler... altogether 9 orang tidur in the same room....

9. Lepas pindah rumah.... now my hubby and I are officially broke!!!! I have duploh inggit in the account... oh tidakkkkk!!! yes, i'm totally kempis and started to look for duit selit... heheh.. duit selit is the duit yg sometimes diselit-selitkan di tepi purse, dlm compartment handbag, or dlm drawer... or sometimes dlm bra (ada lagi ke org buat cam ni?)... heheheh.. i found rm50 in the drawer.. tu pun dah hepi giler.... so rm50 can survive for few days i guess...

more on the cerita kenduri coming soon.... tunggguuuu,.....