Am I guilty?

How do you feel when someone you love woke u up in the middle of the night.. say 3 am... and started to to the naughty litle thingy to you like teasing you nose or..... teasing your lips... and lightly kissing your cheek.... would you be angry? or would you be pleased? dont get me wrong... your blue little peanut size brain.. tak de benda lain ke nak pikir... hehehe...

My little precious Izzad woke me up at around 1 am... and i thought he might be thirsty so i fed him some milk... he refused. His eyes were half opened, looked a bit sleepy... instead of putting him back into his baby court, i put him next to me...and shared the same pillow.... i noticed that he liked being cuddled.. perhaps, he was cold so i slow down the air cond a bit, but still he was next to me.

it has been a while.... quite some time actually that i sleep so close to him.. normally, he sleep in his baby court which i placed next to my bed... having him sleep next to me and sharing the same pillow..... i feel so close to him..... so close that i hardly describe.. i could feel his breathing... i could smell his breathe from milky-smell mouth... and his baby-smell body especially down below his neck... you do know that baby has their own smell right.. the masam-masam manis smell... i love that smell...

i look at him, at i hardly believe that time flies so fast and he is now a big baby... he's 9 mths old.. but within that period, i only gave him 2 mths of full-day attention... and the rest - he's been taken care of a complete indon stranger... which i had no choice but to trust her of taking care my little precious.

deep down my heart.. i feel guilty.. and ashamed of myself.. how could i do this to my son.. how could i let someone else taking care of him.. how could i trust the person to gently handle my son... to feed him... to change his diapers... to bath him... and how could i be assured that the strangers would do all the chores without hurting him.... he is so little...and he wouldnt understand why i would have to leave him early in the morning, and come back at night... he wouldnt understand why the bibik is taking care of him, but not me.. his own mother.. he wouldnt understand all these...

i could feel tears running down my check.. full of regrets and guilts.... the emotional burden is so heavy... that i could hardly fight...
i fell asleep.

and there i was... i was teaching a group of student at a little poor village... they had no book, no pen that they had to write on a small blackboard... they wrote using the white chalk.... the village was not a typical melay village but it looked like a really poor village.. those like the one we used to see on tv in Palestine..

and suddenly i felt a wet-thick thingy on my cheek... i opened my eyes and saw my little precious Izzad was playing with my nose with his salty saliva on my cheek.... how i love that moment.... i just let him did what he like... and he touched my nose... and he kissed my wet-cheek... and he played with my hair.. OMG how sweet those moment were... it was 3.00 am... how would i be angry to see such a beautiful creature do all those sweet thingy at 3.00 am???

i could see his smile... and when i tickled him, he gave me his cute half-scream laughter.. with his 1 little tooth.... i love those moments... i want to remember this moment forever.... and it lasted for 1/2 hour.. and then my little precious fell asleep, again next to me.